originally posted to substack july 11, 2024
babies who miss those first moments of skin to skin contact who restores them?
When toddlers scream out at the emotional confusion of neglect who can they run to?
When teenagers have been conditioned to be of service to everyone but themselves where do they learn to anchor themselves in their love for themselves?
To experience love is to know it but what happens when it’s lacking in our early experiences?
It leaves a yearning for what should have been, a hunger for deeply fulfilling nourishment and soul nurturing.
Through the cultural zeitgeist there are a multitude of messagings that suggest one must demonstrate self love before attaining the ever coveted sexual romantic love through partnering. But before we are fully aware of the world around us we experience our interactions through feelings and emotions. Those emotions are then stored in our nervous systems and come to shape our world view. In Mother Hunger by author Kelly McDaniel, she discusses implicit memory and how “Feelings create…cognitive moments with and without our [caregivers].” And “Early emotional experiences…become embedded in the architecture of our brain.” Knowing that to be a pivotal part of the human experience it saddens me that some who may not understand this hold themselves and others to loving themselves without the proper tools to commit to the action of loving.
Many of us are robbed of love from the outset by parents/caregivers who were battling the crippling weight of capitalism, racial disparities and patriarchal violence So when I see people from disproportionately affected backgrounds tasked with “love yourself first”, I think about the turmoil of feeling alone and unloved as a child. Like staring out the window to bricked walls when you feel it deep in side there’s a beautiful view of lake, skies, and mountains on the other side.
I grew up entrenched in the stories of struggling black girls facing the threat of sexual violence, sexually transmitted diseases, neglect and lack of access to resources. And when I looked and continue to look around me I can say the same about my peers.
There is hope, still, for the emotionally hungry. That you can practice becoming fulfilled through acknowledgment of what’s missing, relinquishing the shame associated with having needs, being open to help and working towards being more self loving each day. bell hooks author of All About Love asserts, “We must face the confusion and disappointment that much of what we were taught about the nature of love makes no sense when applied to daily life.” Harm is the antithesis to love, the two cannot exist in a balanced manner. When hurt and harm happens the vulnerable and resilient thing to do is acknowledge and repair. Those are essential components to the action of being self loving and loving towards others. hooks also mentions in the book, “The word “love” is most often defined as a noun, yet all the more astute theorists of love acknowledge that we would all love better if we used it as a verb.”
Empathy brings us to the point of understanding and loving ourselves and others more effectively. Next time you hear someone assert that another person doesn’t love themselves I hope you get curious.
Love,
myooz
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